P. T. Mayes

Writer

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Well, the title sort of says it all, doesn't it?

Here are a few suggestions to surviving the holidays:

Don't get a cold! Stay away from anyone with a snotty nose.

Watch It's a Wonderful Life and Gremlins back to back.

Remember that 99% of the presents under the tree are for the kids, not you. So don't be disappointed when all you get is a copy of Jamie Oliver's new cook book when you can't even see the kids because they're hidden under a landslide of toys.

Makes sure each child's haul of toys is exactly the same number, and takes up the same amount of space, or be prepared for tantrums.

Buy batteries. Don't do the Christmas battery hunt.

Keep a pair of bolt cutters handy for removing toy packaging.

Read Dickens A Christmas Carol. Better than all the film versions put together.

If anyone suggests playing Trivial Pursuits, immediately eject them from the house and cross them off your Christmas card list.

To hell with the diet and overeat. It's only one day in the year.

If you're a man, once you've eaten Christmas dinner, sit on the sofa and pretend to fall asleep when the time comes to clear away the dishes and washing up comes.

If you're a woman, once you've eaten Christmas dinner, sit down and watch Gone With the Wind. Not even hubby can pretend to sleep that long.

Anything you don't want to keep eating after Christmas Day, accidentally throw in the bin, or spoil. (I just saw the cat going at it).

Drink, but don't drink too much.

Remember, eveyone needs a little time to themselves. Don't pester them to be "social".

If it's going to cause an argument, don't say it.

All Christmas quizzes are evil and are the work of the devil. Don't fall for his tricks!

Try not to turn on the TV. Once its on it'll never go off.

If you want a happy Christmas (in the UK), don't watch Eastenders. It'll all be arguments and misery. I warned you.

Read M.R. James' wonderful ghost stories, which were intended to be read at Christmas.

If you're a writer (one of the damned) put your writing aside until the festivities are over. You can do it! (okay, maybe you can't.)

If you eat one chocolate, you can safely assume you will eat them all.

Remember there are people who actually enjoy being grumpy over Christmas (including grumpy cat). Don't point it out to them, which is exactly what they want.

If anyone suggest a brisk Boxing Day morning walk, immediately eject them from the house and cross them off your Christmas Card list.

Remember the lonely and people who are having it hard this Christmas.

Have a wonderful, peaceful Christmas, and a fantastic start to 2013!

Copyright © 2012 2016 P.T. Mayes. All Rights Reserved.